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Rosemary’s Baby

Steroids: High Treason, Crimes, and No Longer Misdemeanors

Have you been watching baseball lately? Wow! Barry Bonds is on the precipice of beating Babe Ruth’s career homerun record and then he’ll be nipping at the heels of Hank Aaron’s homerun record after that! Have you been watching the news lately? Dismal isn’t it? Steroid rings, steroid designers, athletes, everyone is getting busted for steroids nowadays. I haven’t seen or heard about crystal methamphetamine labs getting shut down, nor have I heard about cartel leaders being brought to justice in quite some time. Sounds like our government has conquered the war on drugs and now they just have one last demonic, hell-spawn child of the devil to contain…Anabolic/Androgenic Steroids! Woohoo! Finally the world will be a safer place and we won’t have to deal with zits from a sweaty guy at the gym intentionally being popped at us in a tender moment of ROID RAGE!!!!!!!!! Argh!!! “Steroidary” will soon be put to an end.

It all began in 1988 with the Anti-Drug Abuse Act that changed the nature of steroid punishment for trafficking from a misdemeanor to a felony. We can all thank Sen. Joseph Biden and a handful of others from 1990 to the present day for going after stronger steroid laws and the utter demonization of steroids. Hell! Even the news media looks in ignorance at steroids as though they are Rosemary’s Baby and the most evil scourge to face the planet. The playing field on the baseball diamond may not be totally level yet, but it seems that the playing field in our own backyards is about to undergo demolition from the government with much stiffer penalties that will equate steroids to be completely equal to all Schedule III narcotics and on the verge of making them Schedule II (not just including double penalties for selling or even using within a certain distance of a school, but also within a certain distance of an athletic center as well, which I believe may already be the case….so that would make steroids even worse than addictive narcotics now). Ironically GHB (gamma-Hydroxybutyrate…the “date-rape” drug) has the equivalent legality as marijuana, which is not that big of a deal compared to other drugs. Prior to 1988 though, labeling and dealing steroids as well as taking them was considered a misdemeanor under the Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, but was made a felony by the Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1988 when the media reported heavily on high school athletes using steroids as an epidemic. Things have considerably worsened since then though.

Anabolic Steroid Restriction of 1989 Act (proposed):

This proposed act that never made it out of committee once it reached the senate with Sen. Biden attaching a companion steroid bill to it focused on mail order steroids (yes, mail order steroids).

Steroid Trafficking Act of 1989/1990 (proposed):

Once again, this was a Sen. Biden effort to make steroids equal to that of any narcotic as a punishable offense. The hearings for this proposed act primarily involved the professional sports industry with people from the NFL and the Olympics testifying.

Anabolic Steroid Control Act of 1990:

Thus far, possession of steroids was not a felony, but trafficking was a felony under the 1988 Act; things are about to change. There were two versions of this bill, one version by the House of Representatives and one version by the Senate. Whatever the case was, this Act made possession of anabolic/androgenic steroids an actual Scheduled III substance with penalties of up to one to two years’ imprisonment whereas some such as Sen. Biden were pushing for Schedule II, which would make punishment of up to 20 years imprisonment. Ironically, the great intelligence of politicians failed to recognize pill form by milligram dosage but rather as how many pills per week would be taken by a normal steroid user, but assumed that 200 mg week of injectable was the max that was taken by a normal steroid user. It wasn’t until later that Rick Collins had to clarify to the congress about how steroids are actually taken (not by number of pills or mL’s, but by milligram dosages…duh!). Also at this time, the congress adopted the Dept. of Justice’s conversion rate for units meaning that 10 mL of liquid was 1 unit, and 50 pills would be 1 unit for steroids whereas hardcore drugs are 1 pill equals 1 unit. For some things 1 unit may also equal 2 grams. The unit amount determined how stiff the penalties would be.


Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Oh! Wait! Smoke only in designated areas such as the middle of the forest but not during “no-burn” watches or “burn” bans. You know what? Just so you don’t have the tobacco police in your face, just go to a nearby swamp and smoke…you’ll be safe that way. No, wait! Swamps are protected wetlands and salt marshes with many wonderful mosquitoes that have feelings too…don’t want Greenpeace or PETA barking at you now do ya?

I’m feeling a “roid-rage” rant about to happen. Well, GOLLY JEE WHIZ!!! GOLSH DURN-IT! I’m so stewed I could just rub my oily complexion up against the first person that looks at me funny! Okay Spook, just calm down now. Do your “Diet and Longevity” mantra that the Dalai Lama taught you.

Eat shit and die
Eat shit and die
Eat shit and die

Ah…I feel better now. Back to the topic at hand.

Well, after a hiatus of over a decade with steroids being ignored basically, professional athleticism surfaces again with designer steroids, which prompted more hearings in 2003 that led to the 2004 Act. In case you haven’t noticed, I just love Sen. Joseph Biden, but this time he and Rep. John Sweeney went on the offensive to make those who wish to use steroids spend their lives in prison. However, it was in 2004 that congress focused primarily on steroids in Major League baseball. It was this bill that expanded the list of substances to the Schedule III list to include pro-steroids. Sweeney found some douchebag doctors to testify and say that pro-hormones carry serious health consequences and are totally equivalent to steroids. I really wish I could find out who these doctors are so I will never visit these dumbasses that probably couldn’t diagnose their ways out of a paperbag.

Unfortunately, in this act, broad power was given to the DEA to eliminate the need to prove that any substance would give muscle-enhancing effects in order to schedule it as a steroidal substance…it is almost like an open ended question and anyone can be taken down really.

It was before the commission that was overseeing this legislation that Rick Collins testified in behalf of the National Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers to clarify some of the ignorance about steroid usage. While Rick Collins did mention that a lot of steroid distribution came from overseas internet selling, there were some distributors that wasn’t in it for the money. Some distributors merely pool funds from several friends in order to obtain a large enough amount and then share with everyone while the other trafficker was very far and few in between (those that are in it for the money and trafficked no differently than any other drug trafficker). Rick Collins was also asked to discuss the subject of “roid-rage,” but he cautioned the politicians on being wary of what the news media reports as rare and isolated incidences that are only anecdotal in nature. He did mention that natural testosterone levels of teenage boys are pretty much the same levels as most hardened steroid users and to consider that in comparison to anecdotal stories.

Present Day:

Smile because when you party with steroids now, you are playing with the big dawgs in cellblock C. Pursuant to the Anabolic Steroid Control Act of 2004 and the US Parole Commission Extension and Sentencing Commission Authority Act of 2005, temporary, emergency amendments to these acts has been set forth (effective March 27th, 2006) to increase punishment for steroid possession and trafficking. Whereas 50 pills used to equal 1 unit…GONE! 1 pill equals 1 unit. 10 mL’s of injectable steroids used to equal 1 unit, but not anymore…now it is 0.5 mL’s of injectable steroid is 1 unit.

I wonder if 1 gram could be suspended in 0.5 mL? That would be nice if it was possible and then cut it later with sterile oil. All of these acts refer to anabolic steroids right? I wonder if a savvy lawyer could make a case for testosterone use and say, “Oh, but my client was not using an anabolic steroid. He was using an androgenic steroid.” Unfortunately, androgenic steroids are listed in these acts as well…bummer.

My advice is to be careful, more careful now than you have ever been in your life. Eat, lift, and be merry.



April 8, 2006

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